first of all. i talked to my nana today. she thinks im psychic. strictly because i told her about when i feel things and when they can worry me to fucking pieces because i know they come true, and how i knew about the car accident and how i knew i shouldnt ride back home.

we talked about my dad and i told her about my new piercing. i asked her how she thought dad would take a birthday card. i think he'll tear it up. apparently he talks about me. he just feels like im dead. he talks about all the memories that flash through my head. especially the ones that hit me when i watch "When we die" by bowling for soup. god, the first time i saw that... i bawled. for like, ten minutes. it was like watching brokeback mountain all over again, but this time i had emotional attatchment. God.

so i said, he wont want to talk to me anyway. he wont want to see me, the way my hair is died, the metal in my face. i wanted so much to tell her that i would have too much trouble hiding my tattoos. i wanted so much to tell her who im in love with. i know she will love me no matter what. but i also know that there is a line that could be crossed, a line where she will begin to frown, despite her love. "what on earth makes you think that i'd ever do that?" ever look at my face and hate it? so many people hate my piercings. im afraid she'll find them ugly. "i'll always see you as beautiful. you are beautiful." that doesnt mean she cant hate them.. she sees with her heart. i just hope her heart can keep her blind enough for me.

my cat is sleeping in the corner of my room, by my vanity and closet where i keep my hamper. on my dirty towels. i think its the first time shes ever stayed in the same room with me for more than five minutes, the first time in like.. years. i love her. i hope she sticks with me.

conversations like that with my nana make me wonder if ive gone overkill. i have three facial piercings. is my nose ring for the worse? is my lip ring too big and obnoxious? was this monroe a mistake? i have two cartilage rings that i adore, two on each lobe. i wear earrings that i made myself, dangling bats. my makeup seems to dream of being jeffree star's wannabe (no offense to j*) its so thick and black. my lipstick is bright red and i keep my face as pale as i can. i have two tattoos, one if visible and not very small. i wear spikes. i plan on getting a chest piece. have i overdone it already? do i look uglier with these things? should i just listen to all the guys who tell me id be so much prettier if i just lost the ______....?

i hate thinking like that.

relationships are scary. love is scary. lust is scary. your heart is scary. reading into the relationships of everyone who is idolized nowadays is fucking scary as hell to me. who's dating who? how can MY HERO be with THAT? what makes them worthy? how can they be in love with them? how do you know they arent just using him/her? how do you know its for real? all the smiles and grins and cute pictures... you know what, its no different than a relationship amongst your best friends. they are still people, they still have hearts, they still feel. whats meant to be will be and i guess we just have to believe in that, so that we can believe everything will be okay for everyone we love. if they are being used, they will discover the truth before its too late. if they arent with who they should be, they will figure it out and get with their other half. whats meant to be will be, right? we hope?

i dont ever ever want to be that person. the person who tons of people idolize and love and dream of, the person who's boyfriend/girlfriend is hated, criticized at every waking moment just because of whose arm they're on and vice versa. i guess it may never happen to me because i'm a girl. all these girls hating all these big famous boy's women. it will never happen to me, i guess, unless tons of boys get that way as well. but maybe girls who idolize me will still think whoever im with isnt cute enough or pretty enough or worthy enough. i dont ever want that. ever. i dont want rumors. i dont want people to look into my past and curse at the people who ive loved because they feel these people werent worthy enough for me. or anything, anything at all, i dont want people to pry and be filled with seething rage. or jealousy, for that matter, or fear. i dont want people looking at my pictures and imagining who caused my smile, who is on my mind. i just dont. if i am to be where i need to be, i want to enter the life with my love life completely closed or completely open. no rumors. i either want one person to be my forever, so that no one can label the relationship as a result of fame, or i dont want anyone to know at all. i never want anyone doing that. i guess it will be near impossible. it will be so hard. but i will do it. somehow. or i just wont answer questions. whoever i love will be who i love and everyone can fuckin deal.

i think thats all i have to say.

my plan for the future. saving my income, getting a job this year, have of my check goes into savings and the other half to my mother and the house. i save that and after high school, or maybe before, ill have a small car, one that gets me from a to b. in between this time i need a drumset, something to mix music and record tracks on. maybe a keyboard. i need to make my fucking music. so after high school. me, my cat (if, god bless this hope, she is still with me) my stuffed puppy fetch, and my music will pack into my little car and head off with my savings. it will be hard, but i can always visit, and if i stay here i wont be able to let go. this place is too small and ive already lived damn near all over. too many memories will keep me down. so i leave, either milwaukee or chicago. my friends? who knows where they'll be, but i'll keep ties. maybe my mom will let me have the computer. ill keep my tv vcr/dvd and some light fixtures and my bed, i dont need much, really. maybe, i can just get a sidekick and use that as a phone and computer. that would be so much better. so ive got my things and ill find a place, milwaukee or chicago, i want to live with someone. share the rent. i dont need to eat much, ill have my savings and ill find another job to make more. from there, i will dedicate my life to what i need to do. music.

that is my plan.

im done. my love has fallen asleep, it's 3:30 in the morning and i actually have to go to school tomorrow. finals friday, i think... or monday and tuesday.. i dont know but i have science and history work to make up and a monologue, a monologue to pick and fucking memorize before friday. LMFAO WISH ME LUCK.

<333 [/mbear]