they're putting me in therapy. fucking therapy. fuck.

i asked my mom to ask my doctor to prescribe me depression pills. this is something i said i would never do. and yet, i'm sick of fighting by myself. i need a little help. if pills can control my mind, then yes, i'd like some. only enough to keep my mind balanced. that's all i need. but no. they sent me to speak with my doctor and tell her why i think i need them. she agreed, but see, they can't prescribe to anyone under 18 because it gives us bad ideas. it'll make us want to kill ourselves. she described it as,

"they start feeling so much better about themselves and their life, that they start feeling good enough to execute the plan to kill themselves."

about that. which is ridiculous. i'd never do that. i guess i can't really say, because i've never been in such a situation, but that's just ridiculous. so what she decided was that i'd "highly benefit" from some fucking therapy. i swear to god. if they start lecturing me, telling me how to live, how to protect myself, and MOST OF ALL what's WRONG with me, i'm going to freak. I KNOW what's wrong with me and I know how to get it away. my problem is? those things aren't working anymore and i'm sick of living on my toes because i'm trying to protect myself. from my own goddamn head. if pills can help that, just give them to me.

apparently i'm going to these sessions and they'll slowly start giving me doses. if this is a two for one package, i want none. i don't want special fucking care. i just want some pills. like asprin. it'll be fucking fine, and if it isn't, i'll get off of them. i don't want to be treated like a goddamn eight year old and have to keep talking to some bitch about how my fucking week was, and then get "evaluated". I'M NOT STUPID, I'M SUICIDAL. i can think just fucking fine, thanks. I don't need some cunt telling me whether i had a good day or a bad day, damnit.

if i go to those damn sessions i'm doing it my way. i'm convincing her to give me pills. i'll talk about memories. i'll lie. i'm getting the pills so i can try them for myself. i don't want help from other people. i want to see if pills work, that's it. if the pills don't work, i'll leave the sessions and everything completely and go back to staying to myself about it. if they do, i'm going to keep lying in order to get them. i don't want help from someone who's going to talk to me like I don't know what's wrong with me and like I need constant fucking care. god. damnit.

on the other hand, this is my favorite book of all time, and i'm going to pick a monologue from it to audition at school for the play next year. it's going to be RENT. i want in motherfucking badly, but i'm so fucking nervous. i don't want to sing scales. and i'm afraid i won't be ready by tomorrow. i'm hanging around the auditions all tomorrow after school to get a spot and just go. i'm so nervous. i don't know if i'm going to go through with it.

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